What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 26.06.2025 00:44
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
What kind of person makes you think "how come there are people like that"?
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Why would the United States need a fleet of the F-47 fighter jet fielded in the 2030s?
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I couldn’t, believe it.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
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What did i know ?
I never cut or harmed myself..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
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Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Im still living with it.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
What is one fantasy you have never told anyone about but really want to do?
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
How likely is it to make a living out of being a window cleaner in a Nordic country?
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
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And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Was to survive, this bastard.
As i do to all so called friends.?
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Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
She wouldn,t have been !
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
What if the girl says that drama about you dating here? Is that a bad sign?
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
He resisted the act ,that day.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
All the time i was locked up.
And i lived it daily.
I was seconnd youngest,
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
When she asked me how she looked .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Ive learnt so much.
We all went to grammer schools
But, we were locked up after school.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Would this be the day?
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I write beautiful poetry .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Why did i forgive my father ?
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I think the readers, may guess!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
But ive been too sick for many years..
One cannot live in the past .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I will be 64.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
This is soul school!.
She married twice! .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I don,t even have a pension.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I was very sick at this time too.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Especially a lifetime of it.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
She loved him until the end.
So, i spoilt her more .
I was 9 years of age.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
She found it foreign!.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I was scared of men, in general
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
So whats the point in blame.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
My life is so biszare .
(And it was in our own minds.)
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
It was going to be , some day.
He knew the spot.
But it wasn’t much.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
She was in good health!
Who then, do I blame.?
I have no regrets .
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I waited trembling.
We were not on the streets..
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Comes on , in middle age.
I could never make a relationship work though!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
My family never makes their pension either.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I said to her
Put me off passion for life!!